Panic

Hi everyone, I'm just getting situated after a late night at class, but I am having a rough night. Things aren't going as smoothly as they should with my paper. I've managed to put time into it, but it seems like there isn't enough time between my wandering mind and other responsibilities.

My bad day started with a bad night last night. My final for my Wednesday night class was bumped to tomorrow night. I found out via a voice mail message on my home phone last night when we got in after 9. With me having class tonight, there wasn't any time to study.

Our air conditioning unit is broken, but we have had cooler weather the past few days, so we kept the windows open. Unfortunately, it has been raining and overcast since last night. I woke up with a horrible sinus headache and felt miserable this morning. I went in to work late.

I had to have a parent teacher conference about Hannah's performance in school lately and a fear that she may not be able to pass the end of grade exams because of her lack of attention. Hannah is getting some tutoring assistance on the nights I have class the next two weeks so she can try to get some strategy under her belt for taking the test. I had to drive her from the school to tae kwon do and had to let her know that I was worried about her and that I was also disappointed in her. I hated the whole ordeal.

Then I spent the drive to Columbia tonight on the phone with the pediatrician, psychologist, insurance company, pharmacy coverage provider, and Keith, trying to get her in for an evaluation to see if she has an attention disorder once and for all and to put speculation to rest.

I got one wrong on my quiz tonight, and it was a stupid mistake. Not that I need to get everything right all of the time, but I haven't missed a quiz diagnosis question yet. We then met with the professor on an individual basis to go over the rough draft of the paper we turned in last week. On a lottery system, I was one of the last to get called for my conference.

When I got home a half hour ago, I received an e-mail from work that wasn't exactly pleasant, more accusatory than not, and I felt like I needed to write back to explain myself, but I didn't. I figure why bother at this point? I didn't do anything "wrong", but it seems like I didn't do anything right either. Part of it talked about me coming in late, part of it talked about me taking a long lunch (which I didn't). It was like I was being sneaky or something.

Throw Alese's death into the mix, and I just feel like a basket case. I mean, any one of those things is not a huge ordeal, but I just feel like I've reached my peak. I know I've been down this road before,and I will travel the road again. Life is not without stress. Right now, I really feel like I have a weight on my chest and I feel panicky, nauseous, and like having a good cry. I'm so close to finishing my degree, so close to being finished with work for 2 months, so close to seeing Hannah get out of 4th grade and enjoy her summer vacation, yet I feel like I just can't win. I get close, but I fall short in all categories. Alese wasn't someone I knew personally, but we were part of each others' lives through the Hodgkin's listserv over the past years. Her death is a grim reminder of all of the what if's that Keith had escaped, and that Keith needs to continue to defeat.

I'm probably taking myself, and life, much too seriously right now. I need to try to get to sleep. Thanks for listening to my rant. Say a little prayer for me. I am close. God will see me through for His purposes.